Dr. Manhattan’s Gone Veg

Despite my utter abhorrence for American consumer porn, the latest manifestation of which comes in the form of the “Comic Book Movie,” I dragged my work-laden self to the movie theatre down the street last night for a little bit of vulgar fun. In case you’re wondering, there is no “little bit” where Watchmen is concerned; with a run time of 163 minutes (and with previews and adverts here in the UK, that time is increased to about 193) the vulgar fun may turn into a temper tantrum that can only be cured by a pop of Ritolin. The little I know about Watchmen comes from its devotees. Alternative, black-clad, chubby teenagers with bad hair and a penchant for sticking safety pins in the excess skin of their arms read the book on the subway. 300 fans, who for some reason worship a movie so full of immature (and, I might add, badly done) homoeroticism that I had to giggle all the way through it, may have been lured into the trap by Zack Snyder.

In any case, I was entertained and I ate my delicious and oversized Dairy Milk Caramel bar all the way through it, and pondered over the mystery of Billy Crudup’s blue nether parts. No joke, folks, you see a ton of blue junk. Perhaps the whole concept is made less silly by the blue halo of light surrounding it, but, uh, ladies and gentleman, a penis is a penis. Not to be vulgar (granted, I did refer to this movie as porn) but I was just so surprised to see Billy Crudup in a film that will make more than minus a hundred dollars at the box office that I just had to plug him and his blue self into google.

As surprised as I was to see old Billy again (who I fell in love with when he was in that movie about that groupie and that band during that time my parents are still ashamed to talk about), I was less surprised to find that he only managed a passing a grade on the spinach test. Clearly he is not getting any attention for his role in Watchmen, despite the appearance of the Blue Goo. I can’t imagine why Patrick Wilson, whose only real contribution to the world of acting came in the form of playing his dweeby little self in “Andrew Lloyd Webber made a movie but the most important part of it was Andrew Lloyd Webber” is getting so much love. Wait, wasn’t he in that movie about children or something with that real actor, Kate Winslet? Never saw it.

In any case, little Billy managed to pull the second spot on the page: it is the poster for Stage Beauty. Good for him, the first spot is just one of those graphs I don’t have time to find an explanation for. Two more photos, one from the NY Times and another from a blog, also show up in the first line, giving Billy a score of 3. However, among the other images to show up is one of Kevin Bacon (oh no, not that creepster!), Billy Campbell, Billy Connolly, and Billy Joel. And of course there’s some spinach.

It’s ok, though. Because Watchmen has made an enormous breakthrough. It is the first movie to allow its actors to display their freckles. No makeup to cover those cursed little sunspots that make people so unattractive! So go see it, and revel in the fact that Billy Crudup has freckles and a blue… thingamabob.

Ever yours with candy and winks,

C. Somerset Watkins

Inglorious Spinach

If you have not heard of Quentin Tarantino’s highly anticipated WWII film Inglorious Basterds then congratulations are in order, because chances are your days have not been spent in front of a computer screen. As a student with a part-time job and an unpaid internship (which I hear is something white people like), allow me to fill you in. Since what now seems like the dawn of man (or at least since the world began to fall out of love with Tarantino), there have been vague rumblings about Tarantino writing and directing a WWII movie. I for one was always intrigued by the idea but highly doubted it would ever be made, as it seems like Quentin Tarantino’s career choices as of late have been based primarily on inside jokes (see: Grindhouse). Much to my suprise, this movie, after years in pre-production, finally began filming last year and to my further suprise a trailer was released last week.

Despite, featuring what appears to be classic Tarantino dialogue and over-the-top violence, one look at the cast forced me to say: what the fuck? (This is, however, a loving wtf? as it might just be crazy enough to work). Brad Pitt, Cloris Leachman, Guy from the Office, Daniel Bruhl, Mike Meyers, Michael Fassbender, and … Eli Roth? Yes, Eli Roth.

For those of you who don’t know this name, it is because A. You are not a fanboy or B. Eli Roth is not widely recognized for his acting. Eli Roth is the director of a movie whose title has now been absorbed into the English language as an adverb modifiying the verb “to go”(Example: “And then they went all hostel on their asses.”). However, I have no problem with the casting of non-actors – Tarantino tends to make appearences in his own and others’ movies, and Roth too has appeared in Tarantino’s Death Proof. However, this is slightly riskier as, based on the trailer, Roth’s character seems to play a key role in the film. Is this a worthwhile risk for Mr. Tarantino. Only the spinach test will tell.

The results are in, and despite the first two images being posters of Grindhouse, for which he directed a segment and had a small cameo, there are no more pictures connected to Roth or his work. In fact, the situation is so dire that even David Lee Roth made the list before him. Spinch fared considerably better, with at least three pictures of actual spinach and one picture of Betty Boop labeled, “spinach”.

But the question remains, Hostel infamy and cultural impact aside, is Eli Roth even famous enough to show up on regular google? A quick check on the search engine shows that indeed, Eli Roth appears on regular google, but, wait, WHAT THE FUCK?! Suddenly a vast image out of the bowels of hell troubles my sight:

This image is more viscerally disturbing than anything Hostel had to offer … what situation could have possibly yielded this result? (Might I add that this photo is captioned “Eli Roth-Schlong”). Mr. Roth, not only have you failed the spinach test, but you have thouroughly disturbed me in a way your films never could. And what is most disturbing is that this is on the second line of images, so it apparently one of the more popular images of Mr. Roth on the web. On a related note, my faith in humanity is thoroughly shaken.

Your in bondage,

C. Somerset Watkins

PS-If anyone can actually provide adequate context for that image I will reward them with a doughnut.

PPS-Inglorious Basterds Trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcoPxyxpE9A

People Magazine’s Sexiest Spinach Alive!

In honor of Baz Luhrmann’s great Austrialian epic, Australia, and a certain somebody’s recent honors in People Magazine, I would like to dedicate this post to the smoldering sexiness that is Hugh Jackman. One would think that three hours would be too long to sit in a movie theater and watch that silver screen of magic but no, my wondrous reader, it seems that you have not realized the power that is Mr. Jackman without a shirt on.

I decided to see if that powerful hotness translated to a thrashing of the lovable vegetable spinach and the answer is a resounding YES! The first image that shows up is a wet, half-naked photo of Mr. Jackman, most likely planted there to lure the unwitting viewer into needed more pictures of this sexy creature. Do not fear, dear reader, they continue! In fact, almost all of the photos on the first page are of Hugh from various movies, award shows, and T.V. appearances, including one photo where even sunlight seems to be attempting to caress his face. There are the  two standard pie chart/bar graph images but spinach only makes its presence known one – in a not-so-fresh looking bunch in the middle of the third row of images.

Congratulations Mr. Jackman, it seems that your conquering of Broadway, the comics made into movies genre, People Magazine’s female voter population, and Australia itself extends to beating out spinach in google image searches. What’s next, my pants? Well, lovely reader, I certainly hope so…

Yours with kangaroos and koala bears,

C. Somerset Watkins

My kingdom for a plate of that spinach stuff!

There are a couple of reasons why this late-night post is dedicated to Ian McKellen.

Reason 1. I will be traveling across the ocean in a matter of weeks for the sake of expanding my horizons while getting credit for school. My destination: London. I consider my current Spinach Test to be research. I will, after all, be expected to become a Brit as soon as I arrive, and who better to emulate than the Brittiest Brit of them all, Sir Ian?

Reason 2. Perhaps I am late on the uptake, but it came to my attention earlier this evening that, on May 5, a new production of Samuel Beckett’s piece of mastery (mastery in this case is sometimes used as a euphemism for something else that usually comes out of one’s butt because not everybody sees the sophistication and social commentary in Beckett’s work), Waiting for Godot. And this production of Waiting for Godot stars none other than the good Gandalf himself. This makes me infinitely happy because Ian McKellen is like God only better because he’s gay and British! Not that God isn’t gay and British. Many brilliant scholars have pondered this issue and an answer has yet to be found…

But is Ian McKellen God when it comes to the Spinach Test? The answer is a loud resounding

No. Unfortunately, it seems that the general population of internet-users are a bunch of ignorant fops who do not know brilliance when they see it. I mean, who didn’t want to give burnt offerings to Gandalf after he killed a crapload of orcs in the span of, like, a bazillion hours in that movie everybody remembers and pretends to dislike?

Well, I am NOT a pretender! I love you Ian McKellen! No matter how many times you fail to appear in the results after I search “Ian McKellen spinach.” I will worship you like a failed actor turned teacher turned pastry chef turned Little Caesar’s franchise owner should!

Indefinitely yours with tube socks and cufflinks,

C. Somerset Watkins

Viva La Spinach!

This Friday Steven Soderbergh’s  revolutionary epic Che (or is it Guerrilla?) will be released and promptly forgotten by the viewing public, reviewers, the academy, ect. Unfortunately with strong award season showings from Gus Van Sant, Danny Boyle, (and an equally strong blockbuster from Christopher Nolan), no one seems to care that Soderbergh had to put up with Benicio Del Toro’s body odor for what seems like a lifetime to anyone who has followed the film’s production, or smelled Benicio Del Toro (he looks smelly). So in honor of this film, which will likely receive no other honors, we will run the rank Mr. Del Toro through the Spinach Test.

Surprisingly Benicio fails more miserably than his film will in theaters. He starts strong with two pie charts preceding two pictures of him in the top row (these pie charts are a staple of googling celebrities against spinach, why I do not know), but he takes a hit in the second row, which contains no less than four images of spinach, all of which look more appetizing than Mr. Del Toro. In the third row there is a single photograph of Mr. Del Toro and a photograph of a Guillermo Del Toro film. This row also contains a photograph from Journey to the Center of the Earth, which was a movie very low on any objective film rating, but very high on the Wicker Man Scale of unintentional amusement.

But honestly Mr. Del Toro, you can only muster three measly photographs against Spinach’s impressive seven? Though there is a screen cap from Things We Lost in the Fire, you are not in the actual picture and thus deserve only half credit.

And what does this mean for Che? Certainly a man so weak in influence could not embody such an iconic personality on screen.

Yours in Bondage (you nasty badger!),

C. Somerset Watkins

P.S.-Your revolution might fail at the box office, but it succeeded in my pants (despite the body odor).

Bill and Ted do global warming

In honor of the premiere of that weird-looking movie, The Day the Earth Stood Still (instead of crashing said premiere with my Homie Gs), I decided to waste a few moments sizing up the master of underacting (a rare talent in a Hollywood full of Keira Knightleys and Will Smiths) the ultimate Wyld Stallyn, Keanu Reeves.

Incidentally, can any of you delightful peeps tell me why Alex Winter’s career tanked while Keanu’s succeeded? Although, according to Wiki, Mr. Winter finally got a gig, after a 14 year “hiatus,” in the form of a guest role on that show I don’t watch, Bones. To you, Mr. Winter, I say: Congratulations! You are a gentleman, my good man, a true gentleman! I wish Freaked had been as successful as Hardball.

In any case, KK Reeves proves his worth in an epic pokemon battle with spinach, probably because Ash, the greatest Pokemon trainer of all time, found our boy wandering lost and alone in the Hollywood Hills without a job and offered him a contract. The Reeve must have agreed because they obviously forced him to portray a pokemon. Too bad he’s not as cute as Jiggly Puff. Search results include: KK removing an article of clothing (exposing a pale, alien-like glow), KK posing on a motorbike of some variety, and, my personal favorite, a clear Pop-A-Razzi snag of KK drinking a hobo’s coffee. Although, from the looks of that garbage bag-inspired blazer, perhaps KK IS the hobo.

In conclusion, this classy old geezer says:

Cut off part of your soul and spend the twelve bucks to see The Day the Earth Stood Still! You’ll be in good company because everybody except the Repubs believes in global warming and you’ll get to see Jennifer Connelly act for two!

With much love and tickles,

C. Somerset Watkins

Explaining the Rules Pt. 1

Welcome to the illustrious home of the immortal spinach test. I am your master submissive masses, C. Somerset Watkins. The Spinach Test follows a formula so simple that even a foppish, fancy monkey could understand!

I seek to test the popularity of celebrities (and some personal friends of mine) through testing their google-imageability against that staple of a healthy colon, spinach!

For example. We all know of the success of one Mr. David Wenham, but does this saucy Aussie’s potency prevail against Pop-eye’s favourite pantry pilfer?

The answer: YES! Though one tasty pastry made it into the upper echelons of google results, Sir Wenham was victorious, returning with the top three images and his bride, Rainn Wilson. And although the spinach did have two results, neither of the photos were as enticing as a single image of David Wenham, OM. He ate that spinach. He ate it up!

So now you get the jist. I analyze photographs and daguerreotypes of celebrities against those of spinach. A noble venture indeed.

If you don’t believe me, here is a lovely link:

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&q=david+wenham+spinach&btnG=Search+Images&gbv=2

Yours in bondage (you dirty minx!),

C. Somerset Watkins

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